Hi
June 27, 2011
So I know that my writing has been anything but consistent, fairly sporadically, so I’m sorry even though no one reads this but either way I’m sorry for being me, though not really.
I usually write when I’m in some sort of emotional distress but ever since my last entry I’ve been somewhat emotionally numb, I’ve forced myself to become that way, I couldn’t go through what I did two weeks ago, not anymore.
I’ve been seeing her the past two weeks, actually saw her twice, had a slight argument a week ago, well it was more of me exploding on her via text which was probably ill advised but since she’s as stubborn and as inanimate as stone I was like fuck if I care though it was 5 am and I was somewhat intoxicated but not completely drunk.
Having said that, she deserved everything that was said and I meant everything I said even though I think I went about it in a not so discreet manner and definitely shouldn’t have said what I said via text but either way it’s behind us, it’s in the past and I’d like to think that we’ve grown and are better of it.
I did see her this Friday though, we had fun, I baked, she helped me and then she cleaned which I thought was absolutely adorable but oh well I kept my distance and I’m trying to keep it that way even though it’s eating away at me, I want her so bad, I wish it was physical, I wish it was superficial, I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever before and I hate this feeling.
She makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough, that I’m not enough and that I’ll never be enough, like i’m lacking, not enough of a man for her. Invisible. She knows how I feel, she’s always known, but she chooses not to see it, to ignore it, to be blind to it and it’s just so painful, knowing that you can never, ever have someone, as much as it eats away at you as much as you know it and that you just can’t help it.
It’s Karma, I’ve always been the heart breaker, always messed around, always been the dick, never thought I’d actually fall for someone and lose control of my emotions the way I have with her she just drives me nuts, everything about her makes me go crazy. I don’t know what it is.. I don’t know if it’s a phase or what. I know that I love her, I know that I will never hurt her and I know that I will never leave her. I wish she would just let me in. Oh well.
Love you Monkey.
