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Prosthetics

Hello button.. How are you? Been a while, I’ve been better, taking care of myself going out meeting people, working out jogging like mad, I really have nothing to say, just wanted to say hello
HELLO!

I’ll write you soon.. promise.

I just got home, went shopping.. again for the 10th straight day, bought a new suit, well not really, I bought a vest that matches a suit that I already have, it’s like a charcoal vest super cute and I also got a textures dress shirt tres chic and I also special ordered a charcoal mini plaid fedora..

Went to H&M found something half decent actually, I got this cotton shirt which looks fabulous and for 29.99 amazing? yep.. anddd it feels good not H&M cheap so ya a little happy I guess.

Oh I also saw that trench I posted yesterday, yup she’d love it.. I was so tempted to buy it and like mail it to her or something but I don’t want to have to deal with the same lecture “how many times have I told you I dont like it when people do things for me blah blah blah..” she can never just say “thank you” and drop it she always thinks that there must be a hidden agenda if someone does something nice.. anyways

Saw the movie One Day with Anne Hathaway, have not cried so much at a movie ever, it is so heart breaking, I was weeping, that poor man, please go see it, it got bad reviews but what do critics now they’re idiots go watch it with your girlfriends or something its so heartbreaking.

Anyways.. Take care.
Night monkey.

So I had my first appointment today.. “The Shrink”
ah it felt weird, I didn’t know what to make of it, i’m not good at opening up, it’s hard for me it’s like im afraid or shy but im not I just don’t want to feel weak or vulnerable to anyone that’s why I always pretend or fake, im comfortable here because you don’t know who I am and no one really reads what I say so its just for me, a means to vent I suppose..

I don’t know what I’m saying.. I did this for her, even though she’ll probably never talk to me ever again but I promised her that I’d fix myself, that I’d change and I intend to keep that promise whether or not she’ll be there.. I wish she would.

Anyways she kept telling me to stop, the shrink that is, she knew that I was faking and kept telling me over and over again “stop, stop..” What am I doing?

I wish someone would tell me what to do, I don’t know what to do or what to say and how to act anymore, everything is a blur..

Anyways..

I went shopping today I got a pair of sneakers, undies (the expensive kind) love it and socks from express.. I love their socks so comfy oo I also went to bed bath and beyond got a few things then to banana republic.. I saw this amazing trench that she would just ADORE I wish I could buy it for her it’s like a leopard print looks fab and feels amazing too, she loves leopard print.

baaaaaah.. Night

I miss her so, so much I have never felt this much pain my whole life, I’ve been trying to be strong, to hold it together but with each passing day the pain gets worse and I feel like I’m tearing up on the inside. I feel like such a bad person for what I did to her, for the way I was, I wish I could see her face one more time, I wish I can hold her one more time and tell her how sorry I am to her face.

I don’t want to feel like this, I feel so dead on the inside, I cry myself to sleep and barely get out of bed in the morning. Why can’t I stop? Why won’t it stop?

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I just want to see her happy. I don’t want anything else, I swear nothing else I want to do something good with whatever time I have left I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be a bad person.

WHY WONT YOU JUST TAKE ME AWAY??????

I have managed to fuck up every good thing I have ever had my whole life, I’ve been blessed with so, so much and yet every time I manage to mess things up over and over and over again. I don’t want to do this anymore, I’m done, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Can I do that? Please.

So I know that my writing has been anything but consistent, fairly sporadically, so I’m sorry even though no one reads this but either way I’m sorry for being me, though not really.

I usually write when I’m in some sort of emotional distress but ever since my last entry I’ve been somewhat emotionally numb, I’ve forced myself to become that way, I couldn’t go through what I did two weeks ago, not anymore.

I’ve been seeing her the past two weeks, actually saw her twice, had a slight argument a week ago, well it was more of me exploding on her via text which was probably ill advised but since she’s as stubborn and as inanimate as stone I was like fuck if I care though it was 5 am and I was somewhat intoxicated but not completely drunk.

Having said that, she deserved everything that was said and I meant everything I said even though I think I went about it in a not so discreet manner and definitely shouldn’t have said what I said via text but either way it’s behind us, it’s in the past and I’d like to think that we’ve grown and are better of it.

I did see her this Friday though, we had fun, I baked, she helped me and then she cleaned which I thought was absolutely adorable but oh well I kept my distance and I’m trying to keep it that way even though it’s eating away at me, I want her so bad, I wish it was physical, I wish it was superficial, I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever before and I hate this feeling.

She makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough, that I’m not enough and that I’ll never be enough, like i’m lacking, not enough of a man for her. Invisible. She knows how I feel, she’s always known, but she chooses not to see it, to ignore it, to be blind to it and it’s just so painful, knowing that you can never, ever have someone, as much as it eats away at you as much as you know it and that you just can’t help it.

It’s Karma, I’ve always been the heart breaker, always messed around, always been the dick, never thought I’d actually fall for someone and lose control of my emotions the way I have with her she just drives me nuts, everything about her makes me go crazy. I don’t know what it is.. I don’t know if it’s a phase or what. I know that I love her, I know that I will never hurt her and I know that I will never leave her. I wish she would just let me in. Oh well.

Love you Monkey.

I feel like I’m tearing apart, like my body is being split into two pieces and I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to go home, I want to lay in my mom’s lap and just sleep and forget about the world and the sorrows that come with it.

I am choking, im fighting with myself and it’s driving me crazy, I can’t think straight anymore and I’m getting depressed again, I don’t want to go back to where I was, I don’t, I can’t, I wont.. I just cant.

Yes it’s a love story, a depressing one, a girl made out of stone and is as blind as a bat and I clueless to what I should do from now on, I was here once ago and she shattered me soul and I just can’t handle getting hurt like that anymore, I wanted to give her the world, I still do, and she just threw it in my face like it was nothing, like I was nothing.

It’s my fault, it’s me, I’m stupid, I let myself get here, I let myself get to this point. I tried too hard to make it work but she kept pushing and pushing and pushing, there is only so much one can take. I let her back in again.

One half of me wants to be there and give her my all but there’s another part of me that just can’t succumb to all those emotions again because I’m reluctant and I’m afraid, I just don’t want to get hurt. I’m terrified, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I want to leave, I can’t be here. I can’t be here and not have her. If she would just open up and just talk to me and let me love her, love her like the way I know I can and will.

I’m going to bed.

Ah I hate living between two masks, you try to stay strong and show no emotions in front of others and try to be this immovable object a strong pillar of support for those around you, but when you’re all alone you’re as soft and as malleable as Jello.

So heart braking.